My Big and Sometimes Not So Big Change

Last night as I was changing into pajamas, I was analyzing how much of my body that still needed a lot of change. As I was lying in bed, I realized how ridiculous that was of me.  I decided that I wanted to write a blog about the past 6 months.  This is waaaaaay more personal than I usually get, and most of you probably could care less.  I haven't talked with very many people about it for two reasons.  First, it's awkward to randomly bring into a conversation and a little embarrassing.  Second, the few times that I have discussed it, I felt like the people I was talking about it with didn't believe me- and that is more awkward than ever. But I am proud, and decided it was time to talk about it. SO, here it goes.

At the beginning of January, I got on the scale.  I was 75 lbs overweight.  I am not talking about 75 lbs over what I wish I could be so I could be model thin.  I am talking about 75 lbs from a nice, normal size. I had been in denial for a long time. The scale must be lying.  My pants were that tight because I was having a bad day.  I found ways to look cute still and find styles to help hide my major overweight-ness. (Thank you all those years of watching What Not To Wear!) But instead of changing, I would state all of my excuses for why I was getting like that.  Then I would just buy new clothes to replace the ones that didn't button that day. And sure, I had a rough few years.  But at that moment, in January, I realized there comes a time when you quit justifying why you are the way you are and just make radical changes.

I began to change a lot of things.  I changed my lifestyle in general.  I could talk forever about what I changed, and how I did it.  The bottom line is that I worked my butt off. I had good weeks and bad.  By the middle of April, I had lost 26 lbs.  26 pounds!!!! So, now you are all thinking, wow, you must have lost all these clothes sizes, and it must have felt great.  NOPE! Not one size.  Not one!! As you can imagine, that was very very very very discouraging.  Poor Ernie had to console way too many tears.  But  remember the realization that I had that raw numbers on the scale just can't lie?  So, I had to look at what that 26 lbs did change and quit worrying about not losing a size in clothes.
I lost a ring size, and my wedding ring and diamond band fit again. My pants fit without sucking in and pulling really hard to get the button done, and then barely being able to move all day.  I didn't need a jacket over my shirts to try to hide my non-existent waist line.  I noticed slight differences in my face when I saw pictures. And it was easier to work out.

So, I was discouraged, but I found the positive things from this major weight loss.  And I remembered, that it was major. I plateaued for about a month.  (But I didn't gain a pound, despite a cruise!) And then I hit it hard again.  I had awesome weeks when I was down 5 lbs and I had weeks with only a few ounces.   I have lost 13 lbs since the middle of April.  And I finally noticed a big difference. I didn't realize the size change until I was packing up my closet to move.  I was trying on pants that literally fell off of me. Now that is an awesome feeling! It took 39 lbs.  THIRTY NINE before I had lost a clothes size. Wow, yes, that is how much weight I had to lose.  And I don't mind seeing pictures of myself.  I still have about 35 more to go.  But I am over half way there. 

And I have done a pretty damn good job (Yes, it deserves a damn) and I am very proud of myself.  Maybe some of you can tell, maybe some of you can't.  I don't look like a new person yet.  However, that 13 pounds made a huge difference, and I finally have a HUGE pile of clothes that I was able to take to the DI, and another pile that while in denial, I kept and they finally fit.

I will probably still have those moments that I see myself while changing into pajamas and notice how much I need to change.  And that is okay, because I do still have 35 lbs to go.  But I also love those moments when I am able to look in the mirror, like this morning, and go "WOW! I don't have a huge old bulge for a stomach and I am starting to see an awesome figure in there somewhere." I feel better and I look better.  I have gone through not only a great physical, but an  emotional journey as well.  One that I know I couldn't have gone through without a very supportive and amazing husband. And I am excited to get to the end of the road. Today I am just grateful that I am over half way there.